a colored spectrum

Eva 7

tis evening we did a review and evaluation of our relationship.
yes. i am currently attached.
i am attached to a wonderful guy called Joshua.

due to some things i said repeatedly, Joshua's facing immense pressure from sheer uncertainty caused by me. he started doubting our relationship and my indecisiveness.
haha, yes, i am a self contradictory person, and pretty good doing that too!

let me make myself clear.

i am certain of what i want, who i want to be with, and why i am attached to this person.
i am certain that i want to be with Joshua, that i do love him and i do need Joshua in my life.
i am attached to him because i am very attracted to him, i accept him and his values,
i love him for who he is, and for the fact that he loves me lots too.

we are happily comfortable together.

but, being that self contradictory messy web i am, i tend to air the views of the alternative choices as well. i am aware of what other choices i have, what lies in the oposite of the coin.
but, i will not choose them. just brought it up only..... why so sensitive? alright, i do know and i do highly appreciate that you care lots about my feelings and thought my darling.... hugs and kisses!

being aware of the alternatives is one matter.
shifting my opinions and regreting my choice is another matter altogether!

my stance is : i love Joshua. his voice cheers me up anytime of the day. his touch lets me know that i matter so much to someone hence i should take care of myself. his kisses warms my soul like hot chcolate. everything about him, silly things he does, childish things he say just makes me want to love him and pamper him more!

so, that is all i have to say! and by the way, i do plan for my future. that is, ending up with Joshua for a long time for good, get engaged and build a family together. but is just that, i find it very disturbing and uncomfortable to make such wishes and hopes known. i choose to just work towards my goals silently, praying for God's guidance and blessings. don't need to voice my plans and be attested against.

hmmm.... i guess it's just me. lack confidence faith and trust in everything, myself included. low self esteem.... sigh

a happy face, a cheerful smile, a chirpy attitude doesn't mean that the person is really happy.

myself included in such situations.

a happy face is just a front, forcefully put up to face the world. it is a facade to hide that sad, vulnerable and hurt self. the real self who is depressed, troubled and demoralized.
how can i share my sadness and frustrations with the world?

i cannot appear weak. but i am.
i cannot say that i am a loser but i am.
i cannot say that i need alot of love and attentions, but i do.

suddenly missed my parents lots.
i miss Mummy. i miss Daddy.

it's been so long since they have been away. the house is so empty without them.
no warmth, no love. so cold. so vacant.
i wonder how are they doing, i wonder if they miss me lots too. i wished that i could spend more time with them happily, without arguments and cold wars. help them around, be good to them.
i am envious of the rest of you. going home to your parents, being loved and protected.
going put for family dinners on sundays, going to church as a family. treasure such times.
knowing that your parents are always there, a call away to help you out.
i don't have such privileges.
if Daddy and Mummy had been around to guide and watch over me, alot of unhappy incidents won't have happened, and i won't need to be traumatised by a bastard and still suffer its aftermath.

i want to be a good mother when i become one.
be there for my kids. listen to them, help them out yet not be over-protective.
least, don't let them get cheated or suffer any pains.

posted by Veen @ 07:46